CITY HAVE WON A GAME!

Ok, here goes! It’s been a while since well you know , a lot has been going through my messed up head so rather than keep procrastinating I feel I need to get some thoughts of my chest and hopefully give a small insight into life going forward.

Having last blogged just before Rachs’ celebration of life (which was an emotional rollercoaster of a day) a lot has happened in mine and Indies little world, we managed to navigate the summer holidays and were lucky enough to go away on 3 separate mini holidays which were all awesome in their own way. We’ve started back at work and school respectively and in many ways life has carried on much has it had done previously but with a gaping hole missing.
Trying to actually piece this together is pretty difficult but I’m going to make an attempt at it because I think it’s important to talk about and if it helps just one person then it’s been worthwhile. I write this because after my last blog I was contacted by someone who I knew previously and has had a similarly difficult situation to deal with, they were compelled to get in touch and in recent months our conversations have helped me (hopefully both of us) try to find some kind of clarity……obviously that’s fucking impossible but talking definitely helps.
Over the past 2 or 3 years I’ve sought the help of a counsellor on several occasions, mostly as a soundboard, someone who would just listen to me going round in the same circles that I’m experiencing when writing this blog or trying to convey any of the emotions I’m actually feeling at any one time. In recent months due to my working situation it’s been difficult to find the opportunity to talk to them specifically (or for any bloody golf) but I’ve actually managed to get out of my comfort zone a little and put myself in more situations where I’m forced to talk (not necessarily about Rach and all that).

Now this is a problem that I think a lot of blokes (myself included) have when it comes to trying to convey their thoughts and emotions, the fact is we don’t talk enough, not just about what’s on our minds with the big stuff (life, death, love, football etc) but we just don’t ask enough questions or expose ourselves (not in that way you pervs) to what’s going on around us. The last couple of months I’ve started making more of an effort at the school gates and whilst Indies been at classes to get involved with the other parents, going for coffees with the Rainbows lot or beers with the Chinley dance mums or more recently with 2 old school friends with whom I’ve had great catch ups whilst Indies been in Swimming and Gymnastics respectively. I can’t tell you how much easier life has got to navigate during this period just because I feel like I’ve had an outlet to talk, not necessarily about Rach and how fucked up cancer is but more normal day to day stuff and obviously kid advice/tales/stories on how to best keep my little Indiepops going.

So, from one of these conversations (Thanks Amy), I was recommended a podcast about grief that I managed to listen to whilst out walking Skye, the podcast centred around Sky Sports presenter, Simon Thomas and the sudden death of his wife to blood cancer. Whilst a lot of the circumstances were different, many of his thoughts/feelings resonated so I decided to try out his audiobook. Its actually the main reason for this blog, or for me writing it at least. I feel like it has given me a bit of strength back, empowered me to talk about my/our journey and provided some hope for life going forward. A brighter perspective perhaps!

What it reminded me is everyone has a story, I have many friends both old and new who’ve been through some incredibly difficult times in recent months and whilst it would be easy for me to wallow and bathe in self-pity, that’s not who I am and its certainly not what I want to project from this blog (Rach would certainly agree).

At some point I may actually share some of my other blog attempts that for whatever reason I decided not to share before now but feel like they may be of relevance to someone, somewhere down the line. Instead for now I’ll share some news with you all, our website/shop should go live in the next couple of weeks and will include links to this blog as well as mine and Indies shop where we will be selling “Indiependent Lifestyle” beanies in a variety of colours for adults and children (some of you guys have already got your orders in for Xmas).

What I wanted to do (and what myself and Rach had discussed at length) was create something positive for Indie of her own, which I can also use as a tool for keeping my mind busy in the evenings when quite frankly my head is a mess. With that in mind we’ve created a brand and logo which is our own but also incorporates the sunflower and links with The Rachel Coram Foundation with a percentage of profits going towards the continued fundraising we are looking at doing in 2025! (Will update you with events and donations we’ve made in next blog)

So, I’ve waffled on for a good while now, have I actually said anything life changing, probably not but again if it helps anyone then it’s been worth it. What I did want to finish on was my special girl (at some point I’ll get to my other one but she’s not going anywhere….sorry Rach and everyone but she’d be laughing😊), what can I say, we’ve got Christmas and her birthday coming up and do you know what, whilst there are sure to be difficult moments, I am actually looking forward to it, I cant not, she makes me feel like that every single day. Life is undoubtedly tough but my god she makes it easier for me, literally lights up every day and anyone who’s had the pleasure (ear plugs usually required) of seeing her in these last months will know just what an absolute superstar she is.
It’s her school Christmas Nativity next week so I’m sure to be caught crying somewhere towards the back of the room but I couldn’t be prouder of my little star, the following week we are headed to LaplandUK to meet Santa, the last gift that Rach got for her and whilst it wasn’t written for us all to be there, its sure to be a magical experience.

Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!