Tumerous Reasons to Carry On

So, not 100% sure whether this is a good idea or not but guess you can be the judge of that, I do feel like it may help navigate another night of the new normal, sat with just my thoughts and a hyperactive canine pest called Skye (i love her really).

It’s now 3 weeks since Rach passed away and I/we are all still coming to terms with the massive hole left in our lives. Whilst alot of the time has been spent together with family and supporting each other, we are all dealing with it in our own way and experience different waves of grief at different times.

For me, the evenings are the hardest, the mornings have purpose (Indie needs to boss me around for a few hours before the teachers get the pleasure) and there’s been enough admin shit (registering the death, sorting bank accounts, planning summer hols etc) to keep me occupied whilst she terrorises Chapel Primary. Friends and family have been amazing, coming round and keeping me company but I know I need to get used to evenings on my own and working out how to best occupy my time going forward.

Few tips for any grievers out there, do not listen to music (especially when driving – few near misses), look at pictures, Facebook memories or use tiktok as the algorithm will absolutely fucking destroy you! 🤣

On a more positive note, I have the absolute shining light that is Indie, literally the only thing that is keeping me going at the moment. Listening to her talk about her feelings is so painful at times but the fact that she’s able to do so at such a young age is testament to the amazing support network we have around us. I got this message from her teacher the other day:

“Just wanted to say what a super star Indie is. I have just seen her for some talk time and she spoke to me about her feelings and said she feels sad sometimes but you make her feel happy by giving her lots of hugs.”

Hearing that is just everything, and the school and all her teachers have been absolutely incredible this year but particularly these last few weeks. Indie has been a little bit all over the place (as you would expect) but I couldn’t be prouder of how she’s dealing with it all and I’m super excited for the next 6 weeks together making special memories with family and friends.

Next week is Rachs’ Celebration of Life on what would have been her 30^th birthday and I’m looking forward (if that’s possible) to seeing some friendly faces and celebrating my amazing wife and all that she achieved. Hopefully it will be a joyous occasion as I can assure you, the private cremation this week, was not! Although it was a fitting tribute to our beautiful girl, it was heartbreaking in equal measure and I was really glad when the suit was off and I was picking a smiling Indie up from school.

Anyway I’ve rambled on a bit now and I can hear Rach tutting from above so that’s my cue to stop.