So, 3 days post chemo, feeling v sorry for myself, balancing side effects like my hands, still trying to manage and control this ridiculous spinal pain from these fuckers who won’t leave me alone…
To be perfectly honest with you all, which to be fair, I always am… I’m just really fucking exhausted and actually really fucking scared. It’s Mother’s Day tomorrow… I want to embrace the best day with my beautiful daughter, but all that’s in the back of my mind is what if this is my last one? What if I don’t get the privilege of having this day again? Then I worry like if I don’t then how much and what will Indie remember about me? Will she remember me as this ‘mega mum’ that was happy and spontaneous and would do fun things with her and make her laugh and smile or will she remember this frail woman who would find it hard to get off the sofa, spend hours on the loo either sprogging or attempting to shit, or the mum who would take handfuls of meds just to be able to function. Being a mum is a massive ball of worry anyway, let alone being a ‘cancer’ mum and having about 700 curveballs thrown into the mix. It’s so hard to keep your shit together all the time. Being a mum is fucking hard man. We all deserve bloody medals, but at this point, I’m feeling very sorry for my little bald self.
My head is like a washing machine at the moment, going round and round, not cleaning any thoughts but keeping everything bubbly… its not allowing the door to unlock so nothings bubbling over but it’s definitely sitting there, wet and miserable (and still full of skiddies)
I get emotional sometimes thinking about what Indie has to put up with, with me having cancer and being ‘unable’ to do a lot of things other mums can do. I basically get chaperoned by either my mum/sister or David on most of my journeys out.. I think this whole thing is so completely unfair on her, more than any of my family, she doesn’t deserve any of this (not that anyone does). However much I like to think she doesn’t know a lot and doesn’t take it in… she definitely does. She’s a very bright, young girl.
When we play barbies together on the carpet, she gets a cushion from the sofa and props it behind my back and asks me whether I’m comfortable enough to play. It absolutely melts me that I’ve bought up such a thoughtful & kind young girl, but absolutely breaks my heart that she feels like she has to do this for her mum… at the age of 4… she’s already caring for me…is it only going to get worse, will she be doing more things like this as time goes on… or am I going to get better? Who knows.
But what I do know and want to leave this morbid/slightly pointless blog to say is, Happy Mothers Day for tomorrow mamas.
To my mum, to my sister (I’m not going to get started on these two, far too emosh), my grandma, my sister in laws, my mama friends and anyone out there who’s popped out a little womb goblin, keep going, you’re doing a wonderful job!
Cancer Mum x
Rachael you are an inspiration to others, those who haven’t been through anything like you have. Indie will remember you and you will live on in her, I know your mum and there’s no way she’ll let your spirit go. For now be kind to yourself as you are an amazing woman and mother, it really is the hardest job being a mum but like you say to have what you’re going through on top and not roll over and give up is proof of how selfless you are xxx